Temporary interim? Yes. Today is a rather massive sidenote recapping the events since last week. In truth it seems the week has disappeared on me. After monday, all of a sudden it was thursday and I was working on my Jewellery project. A massive failure that, despite a realistic goal and a set timeline, was not fullfilled to expectations. Shamed, was I when my teacher explained that there was little she could do to help. The entire thing was on my own shoulders, and I dropped it near the intersecting streets. Still, I feel strangely at peace. She likes to reach a sort of conclusion, and my final was anticlimactic at best. So we talked to make up for it. We talked about how and why it was that I could not keep things under control, but we also talked about other things, simpler, baser things I would not have thought would interest an adult. We spoke of maturity and naivete and pride; while it was lack of the former that caused me to fail, it was the latter which wounded me as the curtain closed. She challenged me to let go of the things I work on, to take failure in stride and see past it, and to retain humility, remembering the lessons I had learned while recently shaken. The sad part is that most of that conversation I will not remember and indeed I have already forgotten, which is why I commit it to text. The important part of the conversation in what regards jewellery and my dysfunctional practices is this; I operate in a way that is flawed, and this can be clearly diagnosed. For some reason, I cannot finish projects that are planned in advance on time, and this despite spending a large quantity of my time in the jewellery department. We could not find the reason behind this slowness, but she told me that from my technical skill in smaller, organized assignments, it is apparent that I possess the skills required, and that whatever barrier impedes my progress is undoubtedly self generated, and will continue to hamper my endeavors and prevent me from reaching a fuller potential until I learn to recognize and circumvent or overcome it.
In the short form, I fail because I allow myself to fail. Is it pride? Is it some foolish notion that "everything will be allright?" Is it a lack of self control, and self awareness? Regardless, I was instructed to proceed as I should, but to become more aware of the mental environment I place myself in, and learn to recognize the pattern that leads to my recurring and inexplicable lacunes. I called it lazyness, but it is censorship. Wasting time with pointless pursuits in order to avoid having to ask the big questions that matter should by now be the bane of any aspiring adult, if there ever was such a thing. It is possible to be an adult, and not be mature, unfortunately.
Or something like that. This being the second time that midnight nears since I have last slept, I am off. No politics today, I am afraid.
